So, basically just a short post (because it has #ramblings for the tag). I just want to talk about something that most people would classify as "commitment issue" and some would classify as "bite off more than you can chew" kind of situation. Because isn't it easy to judge one into saying that "oh, you didn't commit into that thing so it's no surprise that you would fail/miss that" and "damn son did you just consciously sabotage yourself?"

I do think that recently I started to have more troubles which I am alternating between "not committing enough" and "self-sabotaging". It really is because the energy of "participating" or "don't want to be left out" (damn, is this FOMO kind of situation), that put me into such predicament. I don't want to miss the chance because trying to partake into the event is already a non-deterministic thing to begin with. Like, for the several months (2-3) from the day this post is written, I'll need to join about 2 major events instead of one because "I thought I won't be selected" since the uncertainty of participating is really high on one of the events. It was the same when I participated in another major event overseas that practically took half of the fun just because there were suddenly lots of things I needed to take care of. Nevertheless, it really threw off my rhythm into a mess that still pertained for more than 3 weeks. I really need to go back into the cadence again.

Into like, having only few things to manage, into micromanaging multiple things, has put me lots of pressure recently that I don't think I can 100% commit to everything. I am committing to the rest of the two events, but my energy is simply not enough. I began to see how I would just half ass everything off and just go with the mindset "nantoka naru" (japanese for "it will be done, somehow"). I think that is a bad thing. I should be more prepared and more committed. And also more focused.

It goes without saying that lately my soul is always trying to procrastinate. Under the justification of "wanting to get that deserved rest", I threw the towel every time I arrived home from my office and "wasted" most of my time trying to rest. But then I awoke near midnight and "trying" to become productive until it's 3AM. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. This endless cycle is starting to be frustrating that I think I should find a better way to not let myself procrastinate. I have the habit to just speedrun everything near the end, which ended up nicely as the project is "done", but the result is somewhat nasty. There are only select few of my stuffs that I could be proud off, and I could blame the "deadline cruncher" habit of mine.

But I think that's the problem. It wasn't a "habit" to begin with. It was mostly something that I think I "could" do just to fill up the free time, and slowly turned into something that I was "committed" in. I do think that the "commitment" is something that I should revalidate here, because if I were "committed" then shouldn't I be "fired up" for tackling anything that's coming? Is it something simple as just "not enough commitment" or still a case of "self-sabotaging". I have yet to discover.

I hope things turned into something better as I live in this world

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A Commitment Issue