This is a short one, as I just want to pent up some words regarding what awaits me in the future. But to say "await" is a bit abstract since it implies the existence of something that agreed upon, and all you can do is to prepare for whatever lies ahead. This is not true for what I'm lamenting upon, which is the uncertainty of what lies ahead. But maybe that "uncertainty" is the very thing that awaits me.

I'm really thinking that if I don't start taking a more drastic action, I'll always stuck here. I've been doing things to keep me running and stay on course, but at the same time I also have another ambition that slowly chain me down. I am aware that it's not a good thing, since it really triggered my FOMO, in which is a direct consequence of my decisions.

To be exactly explicit, I am feeling the slight feeling of humiliation as I see more and more of my friends and even juniors getting their way into working in Japan. Some are even being scouted or getting contracts before they graduate. And seeing about my own potential, I believe I should be already flying out there. But heck, it really is my tendency to be fearful towards the selection process, that I now manage to keep missing opportunities. I need to find a way out to break from this lingkaran setan, and not gonna lie, the best course is to actually start making baby steps.

I feel that my biggest hurdle now is to juggle between 2 of my main interests (aside the job), which are drawing and coding personal project. I am fully aware that learning leetcode is one of the best thing I should go, but I really need the motivation to start.

In the end, I feel so left behind. My friends are praising me for being multi-talented but I always envy them back for already being so good on certain aspects. I do happy for being a jack-of-all-trades, but being master of none is kinda suck. Is this really the moment where "Comparison is the Thief of Joy" applies so damn true? Yes it is.

Though, I do feel that I need this feeling. I need this occasional slap in the face to remind myself to get somewhere, to move forward, and to catapult myself if I can, so that I won't feel so left behind anymore.

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Left Behind