You know like there is this one pic that always got me thinking, which is how your relationship mostly works all the time with people in your life. Often the people you met back in college will be the people that you'll be in touch for really long time and probably will mean a lot in your life. And I used to believe that is the norm and I can basically "befriend" everyone, and those connections can last long. Today I feel such a pain in my chest as I think it's one of those 別れ moments, not from me separating with someone (it's the internet bruh, you can't really be "separated"), but from me being separated in the "idealism". I do think that it's sad, but sticking to people that doesn't inline with your ways, or at least your idealism, can take a toll in your heart as well. Maybe this is what being "stoic" means, or to learn on how to let it go. I do feel like the relationship is still intact, but the feeling of "I want to work with this guy" is just disappeared. Hopefully we can still stay in touch after all things happened (maybe I'm just sad because I'm now outside of their circle, that I am now alienated, くすくす。。。)

But anyways, putting mind over that is lowkey concerning and is an absolute counterproductive. Bigger things waiting ahead of me, and I can say I'm running out of time. Of course I'm talking about Comic Frontier 22, in which, the registration opens at 28th of Jan, this month, like... less than one week away. I don't know why the date, but it really makes you think that "ah yes, this is CF alright". Now what I'm worrying is whether I have the money to start because holy damn I forgot that the registration is actually around Rp1.870k for 2 circles 2 spaces. Checking on my planning sheets, I'm actually in the red. Oh my god.

Actually after I swindled and tried my best to further balance my accounting sheet, I think I'm not such in a red, but I'm still in a red. Though, there is still hope. I mean I have liability which means I have the power to "borrow time". So it's just red in theory.

It's a pretty heavy way to start the morning and not gonna lie, fengshui said that it's bad to do the transfer yada yada yada in the morning. Probably the reason why I have anxiety and slight headache right now. But one thing for sure, I can feel assured that I have things under control now. I am still sad about the whole being alienated thingy, but I think it's essential for my development. I think I can just do just fine.

I have further calculated about other potential payments and OHMYGOD I STILL HAVE THE C107 ORDERS AAAAA. Truly I'll be in the red. Its all over 😭. All of this is urging me to actually make a better ledger. Something that is more text-based, and I am thinking to make a bot (again). Let's call it "Hayase Yuuka" because why not. I think it should serve as a better way for me to reach my financial discipline. Because holy shit, writing each one in the spreadsheet takes "commitment". I don't know if I'll last, especially after the last year's attempt that ended up horribly. Yeah, I should attempt that.

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日記#8: Alienated