It's widely known among artists and illustrators that something you made for such a long time that took so much effort can end up perform just worse than random rkgk because it's the weird side on how the world works. Sometimes I think whether it's the fault of social media that built the unwritten rule that your artwork or post should be a "scroll stopping" in quality. And not gonna lie, it's a high requirement. Making one that is distinguishable and nice to look at requires a lot of skill. I don't think I'm there yet, but slowly going there.

But it doesn't have to be like that when you're using a NOT social media, like Discord, or LINE, or something. It's a chatting platform and anything you put into it will at least get a guaranteed read from your mutuals. Reacting or giving replies is natural thing to do as it's the "way" of making things flow natural. And by just brushing it off completely, you can feel that this guy is being mistreated. Is it intentional act of ignoring or is the post just that insignificant? It's hard to answer because it really is dependent to the fellas inside that "circle".

I woke up with the sad feeling just because no one reacted to my drawing. It's quite sad, I thought I made something great already. But this is not about the reception, it's the blatant but unwritten feeling of "exile" that grew more and more. This isn't the first time, and it's sad. Sad because it's supposed to be an encouraging environment, but doing the polar opposite just for me. I have been warned before that historically the specific "community" I talk about on this is really having that some sort of behavior and mentality. That "you should just throw stuff into it and expect nothing, like throwing UDP packets" kind of mindset. The thing is I have acknowledged that and actually expects nothing, but it doesn't defeat the awkward feeling when your post gets visibly ignored like a sore thumb. It's borderline humiliating. And I feel like it happens to me especially. Is this one of those spotlight syndrome being in action?

But anyway, it's a small rant. This is not the first time, but it surely not going to be the last time.

Another rant is, I feel like I'm really being the money pot of my family, and it's not just my mom anymore. Dad is asking for me to cover him while I am also struggling here. I feel like I'm being dragged down. I know it's partly my fault for my bad financial decisions, but at least it always come with considerations, while their stuffs is just randomly popping out of nowhere. But what's worse is really on the fact that I'm covering for their "image". Not for the essential stuffs. It's... sad. It's just sad. And well well well, I've been called stingy for refusing to give out more! Nice!

God forgive me for I am about to take additional loan so that I can finish my PC build. Screw other things, tbh.

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日記#11: Unfair