Alright, so my weekend summarized.

Wake up, feeling the agony over my throat
Took medicine, trying to sleep
Can't sleep because I have already awoken. Tried to kill time.
Occasional coughing but it comes with thin taste of blood.
At least I got my laundry submitted and my cough syrup refilled.
Lamenting over the past weeks and what the future holds for me.

I already had pharyngitis like last month, which is probably around the same time with this post. Though, this time somehow it feels even worse. Maybe because it's stacked with how exhausted I am trying to grind for maimai. I am not sure if it's the result of my "people pleaser" remnants or if I just felt that it's the right momentum at that time. After all, it was fun. So maybe I just got carried by the wind.

I am... agonizing over the fact that I haven't even tried on the liabilities section on Yuuka bot. I think because it can't be that accurate, which is why I feel that it really needs the time context to begin with. I need to figure out on how to add the "debts" section on it so that I can be more guilty when buying stuff over pay later services. It does making me feel real terrible, over the fact that I'm practically losing money. To the very least, I'll not going to go back to my hometown at Lebaran holiday. At one point, it does make me feel bad, because I kinda miss my parents, but the fact that it costs so much money and I felt that it's better to turn that money into something (like additional allowance to parents, and for me) is better. Though, the haunting feeling of not being able to meet them, as if, this might be the last chance, is lingering, and ngl, depressing. But I am probably at the age where I need to create a better pillar for myself, and to try to be more independent. I'll leave that thought for another chance.

What's waiting me in the future is both Comipara and CF22. The thing is, I haven't started the actual planning on what kind of stuffs I would make. I am going to make a new book, that's for sure, but it does need like a proper timeline and time framing so that I won't end up rushing everything in the end. It happened before, and before, and I don't want to make it the third time. At least, now everything is under my control.

I felt bad of myself and to my coworkers. As it was brought up that every monday I would probably be absent from office, it does make me feel bad. Last week, it was headache but I just took WFH so I still able to work. But the week before it, I was sick and that was a bad one. But tomorrow (today), it will be another sick leave because damn I do feel like shit. I can attach the pic of my cough slime (how do you say dahak in english smh...) that has some streaks of blood in it. But even more important is, I'll need to activate my health insurance. It's a really bad weather these days and I just feel like I'll need this, soon or later.

Lastly, this is like a very recent thoughts. Probably caused by my exhaustion or my social battery being depleted, I feel like I don't want to "handle" or "host" any fun session or meetups for like... idk... a considerable amount of time. Maybe because my financial situation is kinda crazy right now, but maybe also because I feel like I cannot fully enjoy myself when I need to also be wary of my surroundings. This is even more intensified as I got like a, perhaps as joke of a comment, from my acquaintance in such a Discord server, which he said he wants to come to "make a mess". Over how it felt like a threat than a joke, I just feel that this guy is dangerous. The first impression of him when we met back then was also quite brutal, where my right hand almost got swollen. I don't think that I'll gain anything from him coming over, so I'll just politely decline. And moreover, I feel like that entire community is making me feel exhausted at most of the time. Not mentioning the feeling of being excluded by the circle leader. So yeah, I'll just decrease the frequency over there. After all, I'm having something even bigger to handle now and ngl exhausting my social battery with them is not helping as it's really counterproductive. I think I'll set this as my stance for this week.

I had hard time finding any good image for today's banner over twitter, so to Pixiv I go.

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日記#22: Lamentation et Phraryngitis